I had a child at 42, there… I admitted it. She wasn’t my first child, which only made the contrast between having a baby in my early thirties versus after 40 all the more stark.
But it turns out I am not alone.
More women over age 40 are having children, according to the National Vital Statistics Report(1) from the Centers for Disease Control. For women 40 to 44, the birth rate ticked up 2 percent from 2013 to 2014 and the number of babies born to women 45 and older has more than tripled in the past two decades.
Having a baby later in life can take many forms. It can be something unexpected, an adopted child, a success after years of trying…or a choice to start late. But whatever the reason, even though having kids later in life is a growing trend, as an older mom, you are still in the minority.
My youngest is in preschool and I always feel like an imposter during pick up and drop off. All those perky 30-somethings zipping in and out with their younger faces, sharp work clothes and career drive. For them, there are more rungs on the corporate ladder to climb. Honestly it all looks so exhausting. I have been there, done that and am still doing it to an extent but I am at a different place in life.
You see, I wanted to learn more about experiences of women who were having a baby later in life so I interviewed three amazing women. And I hope their experience and wisdom helps you, whatever stage in life you are in.
Having A Baby After 40: Words From The Wise
First a quick background. Each of these women come from very different parenting experiences but you will see the same themes come up over and over. One, let’s call her Maddie, had a child in her 40’s after having three others, another let’s call her Jane, adopted two children in her 40’s, third is Diane, who had one child later in life after building a big career.
How your kids perceive you being an older parent:
Diane: “My son was embarrassed. He said to me ‘everyone in my family is old.’ And it’s true, he is the only child of two older adults with even older siblings so he has great nieces and nephews that are his peers in age. What we soon realized is that his parents’ age caused great anxiety for our son. He worried that someone would break into the house and hurt us. He was concerned that his parents might soon be taken away from him and he was unclear what would happen. After some therapy, we eventually figured out that he just needed to know the plan. Once we were able to explain to him what would happen to him if anything happened us, his fear melted away.”
Maddie: “My kids were embarrassed when they found out mom was pregnant. They were old enough to know where babies come from.There were more than a few awkward moments at the dinner table.”
How others perceive you being an older parent:
Jane: “I mostly felt out out place around other moms. I am just at a different place in life. I am stable in my career and not looking to climb the corporate ladder much further.”
Maddie: “I didn’t think I was aging until I became pregnant later in life. I got pregnant when I turned 40 and suddenly all the focus was on my age. Then I became a specimen. And I was so much more tired with my last pregnancy and the recovery was much slower. I just didn’t rebound like for my other pregnancies.”
“I was also frustrated by people’s reactions. They assumed 1) this was an unwanted / surprise pregnancy 2) that my kids were from different families / a second marriage. Instead of the first pregnancy excitement when I shared my news, I got confused quizzical looks.”
Diane: “I will never forget being in a moms’ group for my son’s school and saying something about hot flashes. All the moms snapped their necks my way and you could hear a pin drop. I made a quick pivot and said something like ‘oops, wrong crowd.’”
More wisdom, less energy:
Diane: “I am a worrier by nature and with life experience, I know more about what can go wrong. We also know more than young parents so have an appreciation for what we have in a way that might be different than if we were younger. My husband and I already built our careers, we have more freedom now, no boss to please. On the other hand, when we show up to watch my son’s baseball game, people wonder if we are retired, his grandparents or unemployed.
My son is missing out on what younger more energetic parents can provide. He quickly surpassed our athleticism and this can sometimes be frustrating. We have more wisdom but less energy.”
Give up on imperfection:
Molly: “With my fourth child, I gave up on the idea of perfection. With my first, I wouldn’t leave the house without matching shoes and socks but at a recent family gathering on the lake, we left the house and noticed later that my son only had one sock.
On the other hand, I have more life experience and know what can go wrong. I have always been cautious – a stickler for safety – but with things like playing outside, I have taken this to a new level.
I am SERIOUSLY protective of family time. Kids only remember meals and vacations. All those little things fade into the background. Demonstrate your family priorities to your kids.”
Jane: “I see young parents freaking out sometimes about how their child isn’t getting certain treatment at school. I would call it nitpicking. My advice is don’t sweat the small stuff. Most of what you are worried about doesn’t matter.
Embrace the people your kids are. Embrace their differences.
Spend as much time as you can with your kids. We spent time in the summer camping with our two girls, we hiked, had campfires, played games and when the bugs came out we watched movies in the RV. Some of our best conversations were around the campfire. So be creative and have fun. You can’t get it back.”
Wrapping Up Having A Baby After 40
After talking with these moms, I feel so much better about having a baby late in life. And if you’re an older mom, I hope you did too!
How old were you when you had your first child?
- National Vital statistics report: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr64/nvsr64_12.pdf
“So I’m someone’s mom!” Welcoming our first child, Cecily Philips Donnell, at 12:24 p.m. on Tuesday, July 14. We are absolutely head over heels in love with Cecily, and parenthood is already the most insane and beautiful thing in existence, It’s made me excited to have a little spitfire of a daughter of my own. I remembered when i found out i was pregnant 3years ago and was about to walk away from the musical. But at eight weeks, i had a miscarriage. i was so unhappy, until i seek help spiritually from a Dr Iya the herbal practitioner, who helps and guide me to get pregnant again, even at the trying times few weeks in April when i battled symptoms of the coronavirus including “a cough that makes it feel like my head is splitting open from the inside out, but luckily, the baby was okay with the doctors help. i am happy to finally be a mother, couples out there that needs help, trying to conceive a baby, contact my doctor on nativeiyabasira@yahoo.com , you will definitely have a baby to make you a parent.