If you are a busy mom like me with an intense work schedule and even more intense kid schedules, you have to prioritize. In terms of priority, the “me” items tend to drop off the list first. “I am going to make it to the gym today…but someone needs a ride somewhere, oh well maybe later….crap, I was supposed to plan that happy hour with my friend, but weeks have slipped by…sigh”
I have read the research, I know in my head I need to opt out, form boundaries, ask for help, find 15 minutes to quietly breathe each day blah blah blah.
But when needs arise, the balance is thrown off very quickly. And after decades walking this earth, I still seem to think there are more than 24 hours in a day and that sleep is optional.
So what does all of this have to do with being a friendship?
Spending time with friends is probably my most guilty pleasure and requires the strongest resistance to every other pressure. I will be honest, I have a spotty track record in this department. My friends, also busy moms – have a spotty track records. Let’s say we have an unspoken understanding that last minute flaking on plans is acceptable.
But even with a 50 percent success rate, it’s worth the effort to spend time with friends.
For Busy Moms: How To Hold On To Your Friends
Holly Robinson wrote about this topic in Parent Magazine where she cites research from UCLA indicating that women when stressed opt for social interactions rather than “fight or flight.” My take is that if we don’t have social interactions, we have no choice but to fight or fly and we know how fantastic both of those options feel.
If you want to dive deeper into the value of female friendships you can pick up She Matters: A Life in Friendships by Susanna Sonnenberg. Before you get too impressed the answer is “no” I haven’t read the whole book but I will admit to scanning the first few pages and I could immediately relate to this memoir.
So What Can Busy Moms Do?
Here is my advice to you…
Plan Ahead
My advice to feed your friendships is to plan. Once something is on the calendar, you can start protecting it. If I didn’t plan, I don’t think I would even reach a 50 percent success rate. So get a date or two with your friends on your calendar. Broadcast it out to your family so they can plan too. Another idea is to broadcast to your friends some days you are available and see what comes back.
Greeting Cards
I have become quite dependent on planning, down to scheduling reminders to buy cards for my far-away friends. But even for me this doesn’t always work.
For example, earlier this year I bought three physical cards in February for my three friends with birthdays in March and early April. Maybe I am old fashioned but I wanted to send something they could hold in their hands. And the cards are from a company called Just Wink. They are hilarious and I love sending them.
I had those cards ready to sign and send so they would arrive just a little bit before their respective birthdays.
But do you think I actually did that?
Those cards sat on my desk and the days went racing by. I did not sign the cards. I did not send them. Birthday number 1 rolled around. I wound up calling my friend to wish her Happy Birthday – no card. But I had two more chances right? Birthday number 2 rolled around, I texted a Happy Birthday message to my friend – no card. Then there was birthday number 3. I know you might think I was successful with the third card, but alas, as you can tell from the photo, I was not. Again, a phone call to wish her a Happy Birthday.
Virtual Get-Togethers
Since we’re still social distancing, we’ve had to get creative so we thought of this…
One Friday a month, my friends and I will hop on Zoom with a glass of wine in hand and just hang out as if we were all together! There are times when we all can make it but we try our best to show up.
We talk about life, work, our kids and reassure each other we’re doing the best we can.
Wrapping It Up
I don’t feel great about it but I am also not ashamed to admit that I am a lame friend. I am sure I will be lame again and again and need to set up for more posts on this topic. But still I try. And even if I am partially successful in holding on to my friendships, albeit with thin threads, for now I am okay with that.
I embrace being a lame friend and if you are a lame friend too that’s OK. I would rather be (and have) lame friends than have no friends at all.
How do you hold on to your friendships?
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