I am trying too hard.
All my life I have been trained, brainwashed and socialized to “try harder”. But I have learned that there is a point where you could be trying too hard.
At work, maybe you are perceived by coworkers, leaders and your team as a highly effective person. Yet you push beyond knowing you can do more without giving it a second thought.
At home, you want the best you can be for your kids. But after trying so hard to design the best possible balance of sports, friends, academics and family life, while still getting complaints (forget a thank you) – maybe it’s time to back off a bit.
Trying Too Hard…
How do you know you are trying too hard? For me, it’s when I start sacrificing myself in a way that just doesn’t feel right. I feel achy and sore from lack of exercise. And my lack of sleep is another indication.
Little to no time with your spouse or partner is another. And then there are those obvious moments when you have to take a step back and look at yourself, what you are doing and say, this is ridiculous – maybe I shouldn’t try so hard.
So for those over-tryers out there, here is a bit of guidance on recognizing when you might be trying too hard.
You know you are trying too hard when…
- You are on pool No. 3 looking for the perfect swimming lesson fit for your three-year old
- You get up at 6 a.m. to practice yoga and end up renewing your daughter’s season pass for the local amusement park
- You take that 7 a.m. meeting when there are ways you could opt out gracefully without the guilt
- You spend half the night getting your toddler to bed, only to find a sink full of dirty dishes in the kitchen…and actually do them
- You push forward on a project even though you are three steps ahead of the rest of the team
- You drive your daughter to gymnastics in the middle of the day and as a result have to take an important work call from your car
- You are too exhausted to say “no” but it’s exactly what you need to do for yourself
Behaviors are hard to change. So how do you pull back when you are leaning in so much you just might fall over?
I like to think of tiny changes. In fact, there is a method called Tiny Habits developed by BJ Fogg, PhD and director of Persuasive Tech Lab at Stanford University that I have found to be quite effective.
The general idea is to hook a new desired behavior onto an already established habit. So, for example, if you already do the dishes every day after dinner, do something right after it that you want to add or change such as play the piano or read a newspaper or kick your feet up. Do that for five or ten minutes every day after you wash the dishes.
In Closing
I am sure I am not doing Dr. Fogg’s program justice to I invite you to sign up for Tiny Habits and try it yourself.
In my case, when I get up early with the intent to practice yoga, how do I bypass the pull of sweeping the floor, making the coffee, checking my work schedule or arranging the carpool and go straight to the yoga mat?
Tiny Habits tells me I need to add the yoga in right after something I do every day – for me that would be flossing/brushing my teeth. So right after I do that in the morning, comes the yoga.
Wish me luck – and best of luck to you in your pursuit of not trying too hard!
Do you feel like you’re trying too hard? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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I just read your blog and cracked up. Tiny habits? I am at they gym at 5:30 b/c my husband is a morning person. How is that for a habit? This is a good place to not only work out, but catch up on emails and happenings on Twitter while not looking approachable…. Not a morning person. Tiny habits + multitasking, is that a thing?
I can’t get up that early to hit the gym…I admire that! Tiny habits + multi-tasking could definitely be a thing. 🙂
Kim
I like the approach of scheduling in the things you want to do. It sounds like a great way to feel happier and more fulfilled rather than always busy with “need to do” tasks.
Scheduling things like my latest love, yoga class has helped me stay on top of it. If I don’t schedule it, I won’t attend yoga class. 🙂
I often feel that I am trying too hard… I wish I could just back off a bit but I find it almost impossible! Tiny Habits sounds interesting – I will definitely look into it.
I know what you mean. My thing is, if I don’t do something or pass it on to my hubs, I’ll stress over whether it was done right or done at all. 🙂
I hope you get a chance to Tiny Habits!
Kim
I definitely know that I try to hard most of the time. I almost never say no and often put things on my plate that I absolutely don’t need to be doing. All to be liked, or accepted, or to be “the best”. Man… this hit a little too close to home.
I have a problem with saying “no” too. That’s something I’m definitely working on this year. 🙂
I like the idea of adding something in after another habit. I have been meaning to practice yoga more often because I’ve had a lot of back pain recently since I stopped, but just keep forgetting until it’s too late in the evening. Maybe I need to make it my ritual to do it as soon as the boys are in bed. Or, maybe try to get up early enough to do it before getting the kids up and ready for school.
Even if I sit on the mat crossed legged, I count it as “I did yoga” – it really can be tiny, any bit helps. I hope you get some relief from your back pain Stephanie.
I know exactly what you mean by this, there are so many days I try too hard to steive for perfect when perfect is unreachable. I hate saying no and is something i need to learn to do!
Hi Alexis,
I hate saying “no” too. There were times mom guilt would kick in and I’d feel terrible. But I realize that if I want to be my best for the sake of my kids, I have to let go of some things.
Thanks for reading this post and for your comment!
This post is exactly what I needed to read as I am starting this year filled of promises and resolutions. Thanks for sharing.
That’s awesome – so glad to share some inspiration! It’s ok to practice imperfection.
I have to have a schedule for things like this. Otherwise it just won’t work. I can’t just have an overloaded list of tasks that need to get done on top of things I want to do. I schedule so I get to do both without feeling like I didnt accomplish anything.
Jessie, I agree on the scheduling bit. Just today I moved a meeting someone put right on top of a swim workout I do at lunch. I really hesitated and felt guilty about it but so glad I did it!
I do my gym time in the evening 3-4 days a week. They don’t offer any classes I want to take in the morning or I would totally go so the classes don’t eat into my evening with kids. But I am tired of making excuses for my fitness so now I go in the evening instead of not going at all! Thats been a huge change for me because I am so used to using my kids, family and cleaning as excuses. Turns out we can all work together to do dinner and cleaning and I still have time for the gym…who would have known!? lol
That is super-inspiring. It’s amazing how the family can adapt if mom takes a bit of time for herself. It just goes to show that changes can substitute for excuses sometimes.
I do go to the gym very offten and take classes like dancing and yoga it’s very helpful
I would love to take dance class. What kind of class are you taking? Yoga is a great stress-reliever for me. I’m working on doing it more often. 🙂
Oh man, I have a whole schedule of things I want to do, all to prepare for vacation. Super fun post, thanks!
Thanks Krysten! I put a list of things to do before we head off on vacation too. I’d be lost without it! 🙂
This is such a powerful post! There are so many times that I feel like I am overwhelmed and it’s probably based on that I am trying to do too much too perfectly.
Thank you Becca. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I think we over-compensate to reach perfectiion. 🙂
Slotting tasks next to things that you already do each day is such a good idea! It’s such a good way to avoid the temptation to skip it – as it’s already formed as part of your routine!
You are exactly right Emma. Although, sometimes I am tempted to skip through some of the items on my list like grocery shopping. 😉
I am definitely guilty of trying too hard. Especially as a stay at home mom, I feel like I have to keep going, because I don’t work outside the home so I should be able to get so much more done. I like the tiny habits tip!
Thanks Lisa! I never understood why people think being a stay-at-home mom is not work – it’s HARD work but I know where you’re coming from. 🙂
I can totally relate to this post. I am a mother who definitely tries too hard sometimes. which of course results in me becoming a giant angry stress case lol. but im working on it.. a little bit lol
I’ve been there myself Nicole…by the end of the night my nerves would be hanging by a thread. 🙂