Why Vulnerability is Actually Good for you

When you think of what makes a great leader what comes to mind? If someone asked me that question a year ago I might have said intelligence, good public speaking skills, and confidence.

But what if I said that it’s none of these things. That while these are important aspects for a leader, they are window dressing compared to a characteristic that has to do with showing and sharing imperfections. What I’m talking about is vulnerability.

So that’s scary right? We don’t like to be vulnerable.

Keep in mind I’m not talking about you in the context of being a CEO or holding an office – though all of that is of course on the table. I’m talking about how you lead in your life every day as a working professional, a mother, a partner, a friend, a daughter.

But let’s face it. Vulnerability is scary. We want to show our most perfect selves on the soccer field and in the conference room and my least favorite, on Facebook. We – especially women – have been conditioned to believe were not good enough. If you don’t believe me just turn on the TV and watch a few ads. We need to be thinner sexier healthier smarter and drive a better car than the next gal.

Besides that, showing vulnerability sure sounds like showing weakness. And if we show our weakness that puts us at risk of losing that promotion or not being invited to that mom’s book group. And in particular for professional women this feels like exactly the wrong thing to do when you’re competing in a world of men.

There is scientific research showing a link between vulnerability and connectedness. And we all know great leaders have the ability to connect. Think about compelling leaders in your personal life but also throughout history. What drew you to them at least in part was how they connected with you in a personal way.

The best leader I worked under wasn’t a CEO of a big company, a president or even a professor. He was a small business owner who led a group of young public relations professionals in Silicon Valley. Every Tuesday we would all get together and share client news. Some of this might not have really counted as “news” either. How exciting is the next wireless standard really? Well, this man, this leader, could take any small thing we did and put it in a context that made it feel so important. I always felt energized after those meetings.

He was also humble and was able to share his flaws even in this large group setting. I will never forget it.

Brene Brown, an American scholar, author, public speaker and currently a research professor at the University of Houston graduate College of social work, has interviewed thousands of people on the topic of vulnerability. And this is what she found.

That people with a strong sense of love, belonging and connectedness have the courage to be imperfect; they fully embrace vulnerability.

But how can you do this in your day-to-day life? And what benefit can you possibly gain?

We must all ask ourselves this question. What do we really want but feels just out of reach because we aren’t willing to be vulnerable? For me it’s this, writing, and speaking in public. Every time I publish something or speak, I feel completely exposed and thoroughly terrified. Then something magical happens, other women approach me, they thank me for being vulnerable and sharing my flaws. It gives them courage. And that alone is enough to keep me writing, speaking and sharing my imperfections.

What makes you feel vulnerable yet fulfilled? Feel free to reach out to me at kimberly.kupiecki@gmail.com or comment on this blog post.